Why Don't You Tell Me How You Really Feel
by bird-of-winter-prey
Summary: Alex and Piper in the early stages of their relationship. After her estranged father dies, Alex needs to learn to be vulnerable around Piper. But just as trust is starting to build, new challenges arise.
1. Chapter 1

"What do you think?" Piper asked, posing with her hands on her hips.

"One second, babe." Alex carefully finished pinning back a strand of curled black hair, and turned around. Her eyes twinkled and she smiled seductively.

"Wow," she said, as she slowly got up and wrapped her arms around Piper's waist. She pushed Piper's long blond hair to the side and softly kissed her neck. "Please tell me you're not wearing anything underneath," she whispered.

Piper smiled. The sound of Alex's raspy voice still made her body tingle.

"Stop it, you," she said, teasingly pushing Alex away. "We've been doing nothing else all day."

They had been dating for a few weeks now and Alex had asked her to accompany her to some extravagant party one of her friends was throwing. Alex's life seemed to be a consistent stream of lavish parties, expensive restaurants and trips to exotic destinations. Piper was sure everything in her wardrobe would make her look like a teenager at a grown-up party, so Alex had told her to raid her closet. Most of the clothes in there were a little too edgy for Piper, but she had found this beautiful emerald dress. It still had the tags attached, and when Piper had glanced at the price her eyes grew wide. It cost more than she made in a month.

"It looks great on you," Alex said approvingly. "You should keep it."

"No, no, no, Al," Piper protested, "I can't. It's a super expensive dress."

Alex smiled and wrapped her hands around her hips and pulled her in for a kiss. "Well I think I enjoy watching you wear it more than I would enjoy wearing it. So you're technically doing me a favor," she said.

Piper smiled and kissed Alex. "Ok, then. I love doing favors."

Piper sometimes felt so small and insignificant next to her worldly lover, but this feeling never lasted very long. No one had ever looked at her the way Alex did, her eyes filled with longing and admiration, as if she couldn't believe Piper was real. It was intoxicating. How could the most intriguing woman she had ever met find her, goody two-shoes Piper Chapman, so irresistible?

Their passionate kiss was interrupted by the shrill sound of Alex's cellphone. She moaned impatiently. "Ugh, who's calling me at this hour?" she groaned as she grabbed her phone from the dresser. Her face softened as she glanced at the caller display.

"Oh, hi mom!" she said lovingly. Piper wondered if she should find something else to do. Alex's calls with her mom usually lasted at least an hour, with Alex repeatedly bursting into hysterical laughter over some funny event her mom was recounting on the other end. It always made Piper wish her mom was a little more like Alex's mom. This time Alex didn't seem to be laughing, though.

"Oh," Alex said in response to something her mom was saying. "Hmmm. How?"

Piper studied Alex's face for clues as to what was going on, but her face did not betray any emotion. Alex sighed.

"Well, that's unsurprising." She flatly said into the phone. "Yes. I know. No, I'm fine, really." She began pushing her glasses from her face, like she always did when she wasn't sure how to conduct herself, but then remembered it would ruin her neatly pinned hair, so she put them back on. She sighed, again.

"Yes, really, I'm fine. Thanks for telling me, mom." She said. "I love you. Talk to you later." She lowered the phone and hung up the call.

Piper frowned. "Everything okay?" she asked hesitatingly.

Alex shrugged and sat back down at the dressing table and began applying her signature black eyeliner. "Remember my dad, the legendary has-been rockstar?"

"Yes?"

"Well, he's dead." She said matter-of-factly, as she leaned towards the mirror with her eyes half closed as she carefully drew a thick black line on her eyelid.

Piper gasped. "Oh god, that's horrible," she said. "I'm so sorry, Al."

"Don't be," Alex said as she put down the eyeliner. "I didn't really know him that well and from what I did see he was a weirdo and a loser."

Piper hesitated. "Well, he's still you're dad," she tried.

Alex chuckled joylessly. "Yeah, some dad. Never once saw him as a kid and then when I finally found him he couldn't stop talking about my rack."

"What did he die of?" Piper asked.

"Overdose. At least he died a rockstar death." Alex said with a shrill laugh.

Piper didn't smile. "Are you sure, you're okay?" she asked worriedly. "We can stay home if you want."

Alex laughed mockingly. "Are you fucking kidding me? This is going to be one kick-ass party and I get to watch you dance in that dress." she winked, as the stuffed some things in her purse. "Are you ready?"

The party was everything Piper had expected and more. The venue was an old mansion with statues and art work and indoor fountains with colored water. She could have spent an entire day just looking at her surroundings. Everyone in attendance looked incredibly classy and confident, but with Alex by her side she no longer felt invisible. She had noticed both men and women staring at her with envy as Alex wrapped her arms around her. When Alex introduced her as her girlfriend, everyone nodded at her with admiration. It seemed no one was quite immune to Alex Vause's spell.

The supply of champagne was endless and as the night wore on Piper felt increasingly light-headed. She and Alex danced in the middle of the dance floor, their bodies pressed against each other and following a similar rhythm. Piper should have been having the time of her life, but despite the fun she was having she couldn't shake a sense of worry as she looked at Alex. She'd watched her girlfriend down drink after drink like the world depended on it and she had become increasingly loud and boisterous. Alex was always the life of the party, but tonight Alex's loud cheerfulness seemed almost hysterical, like she was laughing as hard as she could so she wouldn't cry.

"Are you ok, babe?" Alex asked when she caught Piper's worried look. "Aren't you having fun?" she asked teasingly, as she attempted a pirouette and almost lost her footing.

Piper quickly grabbed her by the waist and laughed. "I am having tons of fun, but I think it's time for you to switch to water."

Alex laughed. "You're always so fucking responsible." She said loudly. "Come on, live a little!" She turned around and grabbed a guy who was standing near. "Hey, Scott, help me get my straight-laced girlfriend more drunk!" she yelled. Scott laughed, "I'll be right back, ladies."

Alex moved her body to the beat of the music, and Piper couldn't help but be drawn in. The sensation of Alex's hands all over her body as they rubbed up against each other had a way of making her lose sight of anything else.

"Here we go," Scott said as he returned with a bottle of champagne and three glasses.

"Whoooo!" Alex yelled as Scott popped the cork and Piper smiled involuntarily. There was always tomorrow for serious conversation.

…

"Aw, fuck," Alex groaned as she slowly opened her eyes.

Piper smiled as she sat down on the edge of the bed with a glass of water.

"Good morning sunshine."

Alex mumbled something undistinguishable as she reached for her glasses. She slowly pushed up against the pillows and rubbed her eyes before putting on her glasses and taking the glass of water Piper was holding out for her.

"Morning," she said, her hungover voice even huskier than it normally was. "Jeez, that was some fucking party. How the hell did we get home?"

Piper laughed. "It was quite the adventure. We took a taxi here, but you couldn't remember where you put your apartment key. You were convinced it got lost. You spent at least half and hour for it before you realized you were keeping it right were you always keep it."

Alex smiled. "Oh, fuck." She groaned. "Did you have a great time? I told you it would be mind-blowing, right?"

Piper smiled. "It was lovely, Al," she said. "But there's something I want to talk about."

Alex sighed. "I know I can be an annoying drunk," she smiled. "I'm sorry, I don't normally get that plastered."

Piper shook her head. "That's not really it," she said, reaching for Alex's arm.

"Alex, I just want you to know you can trust me," she said. "If you're upset or hurt, I want to be there for you. You don't have to hide it."

Alex frowned and took a swig of water. "What are you talking about?"

Piper shifted on the bed and looked a little concerned. "Well, last night. I seemed like you were sort of – overcompensating or something. I thought you were maybe more upset about your dad than you let on."

Alex shook her head in disbelief. "I told you, I don't care," she said impatiently. "It's not a big deal, no need to ruin my evening – let alone yours – over it." Her face looked blank. "Can we do this some other time, Pipes?" she asked. "I feel like shit."

Piper nodded slowly. "Alright," she said softly. "But I just want you to know that – I love the wild parties and fancy dinners and how much fun you are to be around when we go places, but –" she paused as she pushed some strands of black hair from Alex's face. "Those things are just extras. They are not why I love you. And it's not your job to entertain me or something," she said. "I'm here for the shitty and unglamorous parts too, Al."

Alex bit her lip and was quiet for a few second and then she reached for Piper's hand. "Thanks Pipes," she said, her voice filled with emotion. "I- I guess I was worried you wouldn't like me if I stopped being fun."

"You can't always be fun."

Alex nodded and tears started forming in her eyes. She quickly wiped them away. "Fuck, Pipes, you're turning me into a softie."

Piper smiled, "I will love you regardless." She said. "Do you want to talk about it more?" she asked quietly, rubbing Alex's arm.

Alex nodded. "But let me shower first, I feel disgusting."

Piper laughed and leaned in to kiss her. Alex turned her head. "Kiss me on the cheek, my breath smells."

Piper kissed her on the cheek and pulled back the covers. "Go shower," she smiled. "I will make you breakfast".


	2. Chapter 2

Alex leaned her forehead against the bathroom mirror, trying to stop the world from spinning. Her face burned with shame as she replayed the conversation with Piper in her head. Did she just fucking tear up in front of Piper? What the _hell _was going on with her?

She sighed. Sharing her feelings had always made her feel ashamed and scared and over the years she had become very good at carefully hiding away her emotions under a thick layer of bravado. Her mom had always been the only person who could see straight through her tough act.

Girlfriends never stayed for long in Alex Vause's life. They were fun companions more than anything else and Alex enjoyed the rush of power she felt when she seduced these innocent young women and introduced them to her extraordinary lifestyle. She thrived on their admiration and the way they could barely believe Alex would give them her undivided attention.

Alex peeled off her clothes from last night and stepped into the shower. She closed her eyes and let the hot water crash down on her face. It had only been a couple of weeks, but Piper seemed different than all those other girls, Alex thought. Sure, she was innocent and sheltered like all of them, but somehow she had a strange effect on Alex. Alex didn't just want Piper to admire her, she wanted her to like her.

She had been so caught off guard by the fact that Piper could see through her act that she hadn't put up much of a fight and now she felt like Piper had single-handedly ripped off her protective layers. She no longer felt completely in control and she didn't like it one bit.

…..

By the time Alex walked into her kitchen with her hair still dripping, Piper had somehow managed to produce a stack of pancakes large enough to feed a big family.

Alex chuckled. "Maybe you should apply at a pancake place. You're very efficient."

Piper smiled and looked at the pancakes. "Um yeah, I guess this batter makes more pancakes than I realized," she said.

"Thank you, babe" Alex said as she pulled Piper in for a kiss. "They look great."

"Look at you all cleaned up," Piper said smilingly as she ran her fingers through Alex's wet hair. Alex beamed back. "I do what I can," she whispered as she slipped her hand into Piper's pajama pants.

"Uhh, you gotta eat breakfast before you can play," Piper said teasingly as she stopped Alex's hand. Alex rolled her eyes and grinned as she sat down at the kitchen table and Piper put the pancakes on the table. Alex was more hungry than she had realized.

"Fuck! These are delicious!" she exclaimed while chewing a massive bite.

Piper playfully swatted her arm. " Thanks, but don't talk with food in your mouth. You're such a barbarian!" Alex laughed.

Then Piper's expression turned a bit more serious. "So, uhm, Al, did you think about what we were just talking about?" she asked carefully.

Alex could feel the sinking feeling return to her stomach and she self-consciously adjusted her glasses. She knew she had to give Piper enough to back off without embarrassing herself further. She stuffed more pancake into her mouth in order to stall, only to realize it was incredibly awkward to feel Piper stare at her expectantly while she chewed.

"Uhm," Alex said as she swallowed the last bit of pancake. "Yeah, I guess you were right. I was kinda upset over my dad and I tried to forget about it by partying extra hard."

Piper didn't look satisfied. "How do you feel about what happened to your dad?" she asked softly.

Alex chuckled nervously. "Jeez, are you my therapist now?" she asked jokingly, but Piper didn't laugh. Alex realized she was not going to give up this easily.

She looked at the food on her plate and suddenly didn't feel as hungry any more. "It's not so much that I'm sad I lost _him,_" she said, avoiding Piper's big eyes. She cleared her throat. "It's more that I'm scared of the parts of him that are also parts of me," she added and she realized it was the truth.

"What parts?"

Alex shrugged. "The insane need for adrenaline, never being satisfied with the way things are," she said, her voice trailing off. _Being unable to be loving and caring and form genuine relationships_, she thought silently.

Piper rubbed her arm and Alex finally made eye contact. "Ok, session is over," Alex said, hoping Piper wouldn't pick up on the slight trembling in her voice. "Can we talk about something else now?"

"Okay," Piper said gently. "Just know that I'm here if you need to talk, ok?"

Alex nodded slowly. She felt unsettled. Why did this girl make her feel things she hadn't felt in years?

"Hey!" Piper laughed as Alex sneaked the last bit of pancake off her plate. "There's an entire stack right in front of your face, why do you need to steel mine?"

"Things taste better when you can't have them," Alex winked as she triumphantly put it in her mouth. "It's a fact."

Piper rolled her eyes and pulled Alex closer "You're unbelievable," she smiled as she wrapped her hands around her shoulders.

They were interrupted by the shrill sound of Alex's phone. She glanced at the display screen. Kubra. She immediately felt tense again. "Ugh, sorry, business," she said as she freed herself from Pipers embrace and walked into her bedroom to answer her phone.

"What is it?" she said.

"Alex." Kubra's voice sounded cold and business-like. "I have a job for you. I need you in Bali this Friday. More details later."

Alex's heart dropped. "Umm, for how long?" She asked without thinking.

Kubra paused. He wasn't used to people asking questions. "I don't fucking know," he said, irritated. "You got something more important to do?"

"No, of course not!" Alex said quickly. "I'm looking forward to it."

She lowered the phone and hung up. _Fuck._

**Thanks for reading! Please review:) **


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